Trojan Condoms cuts Lochte loose

Trojan Condoms has cut ties with Ryan Lochte citing his recent acts of vandalism as, “Not being in concert with the values we hold dear.”

When told about Trojan’s decision Lochte responded, “Screw those assholes! I don’t need them! There ain’t nothing wrong with my goddamned values you fuckin’ vultures! Me ‘n’ the Boys were just havin’ some fun and doin’ some malicious mischief! Don’t they realize who I am? I’m not sayin’ I’m God! I’m just sayin’ I’m GREATER than God! By the way – screw God too!”

When asked if he thought he was a narcissist, Lochte responded, “Hell no! You’re a narcissist if you say you’re the greatest person in the world but you really aren’t! But I AM the greatest human being in the whole world! Isn’t it obvious? Are you people blind?

In his defense, lochte did make a gesture of contrition by donating $10,000 to his favorite charity -Ryan Lochte!


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